Break ups are not just the end of a relationship, but the start of a new one.
– Nadine Bourne
You know it’s funny how hearing something can change your whole perspective on a situation. On Sunday, I was with my brother and we were watching church. I don’t know the name of the church or the lady that was preaching. But this woman was speaking about the time that her husband cheated on her, how she overcame that distrust and was able to continue her marriage. Her solution was forgiveness. And at that moment, I had a whole new take on this story.
By the title, you already know that this story is about breakups and how to overcome them. But no one talks about forgiving the other person. For those who don’t me, I can hold on to feelings for a while. And while my motto now is to not let the negativity of today carry on into tomorrow, I held on to the negativity of my break up for months. And it was months before I could sit down by myself, think about the breakup, and not cry about it.
Forgiveness is a hard process to go over. Your ex might have broken your heart into a million pieces, cheated on you multiple times, or simply fell out of love with you. And yes while that hurts so badly, how long are you going to hold on to the hurt, that bitterness, that emptiness inside you. But let me ask you a question, how long are you willing to carry on that negativity because of a horrible break up?
Now I’m not saying that you can’t mop around and be sad. Like the preacher said, forgiveness is a process. And I believe that to start that process, you need to heal yourself.
Let me tell you something, I was in a relationship for four years, all throughout undergrad. If you ask my ex, I would like to believe that he would say that he was very much in love with me. And even though he never did anything to betray my trust or vice versa, the way we broke up was heartbreaking to me, and to him. It would be easy to play the blame game, but looking back at our relationship, we both could handled things better.
With that being said, I never allowed myself to go through the forgiveness process. Instead, I pushed all of my feelings to the side and focused my attention on the intense acting program that I was in last summer when we broke up. Yes, my smiles during the day were real, but after the program was done, or after the day was over, I was down, I was depressed, and I wasn’t happy. And I never thought about forgiving him because of the hurt that I was putting myself through.
Fast forward towards the end of summer and I had nothing but free time on my hands, I sat in silence and thought about everything during the last four years. No one wants to go through a breakup, well I hope not, but in that moment of being alone, and processing everything, I was able to see the break up through a different lens. I began to heal, to start the process of forgiveness.
So instead of some sappy breakup story that I was going to write, here are my tips to getting through a difficult breakup.
Number 1: It’s okay to cry and to be vulnerable and to be sad. Don’t bottle everything inside because you will burst sooner than later. I kept myself busy during the first couple of months after my break up helped me keep my mind focused on what I was doing. But in doing that, I suppressed all of my emotions that were geared towards the breakup and tried to move on without dealing with it. Crying isn’t a bad thing. No matter what, someone’s heart is going to get broken. But don’t try to fix it by pushing away your emotions.
Number 2: Start the process of healing and bettering yourself. Surround yourself with people who are going to bring you up, not keep you down in your funk. And once you start that process of bettering yourself, you will be in the process of forgiving your ex. And that will take time, trust me. But once you’ve forgiven him/her, you will feel like the world has been lifted off your shoulders.
So yeah, breakups are shit. But how you deal with them will determine your self-growth, your self-worth, and your character as a whole. Try to forgive instead of holding on to grudges, it will help you in the long run.
– Nadine Bourne
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